Dear Awkward Advice,
My new guy and I have been having a lot of fun together. He’s really sweet and funny, and I like him a lot.
Unfortunately, in the bedroom, he’s less of a tiger and more of a three-toed sloth. What do I tell him when he asks me whether or not I enjoyed it? Can I tell the truth or should I spare his feelings?
Truly,
Lackluster lovin’ in Coblentz
Dear Lackluster,
This is a tricky issue. Many people are under the impression that you should sugar coat your reaction so the guy feels as though he’s done a good job and he feels assured of his masculinity.
This is a terrible idea. Men, like cats, can and should be trained to do better in the boudoir. So, next time you two are doing it like they do on the Discovery Channel, feel free to let him know what you don’t prefer by squirting him the face with a bottle of water. Cat trainers do this for cats as negative reinforcement. So, next time he tries that one move that turns your “Oh!” into an “Oh no,” just simply spray him in the face. He’ll learn to stop doing that in the future. If you continue to do this, your love life should turn right around.
And, if it doesn’t, at least one of you will be getting wet.
Yours,
AA
Dear Awkward Advice,
I got out of a relationship about two years ago and have been single since. I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. I drop hints, I’m being honest, and I’m being me. Some guys just dont get it. I’m not sure what to do anymore, I’m almost about to say forget it and be single forever. Any advice on what you think??
Sincerely,
Giving up Girl
Dear Giving up Girl,
This is really upsetting. But the important thing to do is to NEVER give up. “Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, give up” (Winston Churchill said that… maybe). Importantly, you need to look at what you doing to woo a man and notice what is wrong in this strategy. Clearly, you are too focused on “being me.” You need to pretend to be someone else in hopes to best utilize your feminine wiles. Try talking, walking, speaking, reading, sleeping, thinking, and using the facilities in a NEW way. The gentleman callers will take notice and flock to you!
For more help, I recommend watching Jenna Marble YouTube videos – she gives great tips on how to live a fulfilling life.
-AA
Dear Awkward Advice,
I am having trouble waking up in the morning for classes. What should I do? I usually can’t hear my alarm clock. I hate being late to things, but I fear that this problem can’t be fixed. Help!
–Late in Life
Dear Late in Life,
Don’t worry! Everyone battles with this problem from time to time! The simple solution: buy multiple alarm clocks and scatter them around the room. You will eventually hear one. However, this could upset your roommate.
The better, more fantastical solution: wake up in style! Try hiring 76 trombones in a great parade to wake you up. Or a team of mariachi singers. Or fireworks. Or an a capella group like Glee (or Hood’s own Acopacalypse) to appear out of nowhere singing a pleasant medley of musical tunes. This should definitely wake you up in the morning!
-AA
Q. Dear Awkward Advice,
I’m becoming a little disenchanted by the food in Coblentz. I was stoked by the promise of a panini maker, but it’s getting old. What can I do?
–Spiceless Girl
Dear Spiceless Girl,
I always like to bring my own hot sauce to the dining hall. In fact, I always carry a gallon of it with me, just in case. I also have made some of the smaller, sample bottles into earrings, so I’m never without my fix of the hot stuff.
If Tabasco really isn’t your thing, you can always try to create your own panini. I hear that the ladies in the kitchen love it when you use the waffle makers to make your own grilled sandwiches. It has no negative effects on the maker itself, and, in fact, the workers will applaud you for your intuitiveness and creativity.
Love, kisses, razzle, dazzle, and spicy sizzle,
-AA
Dear Awkward Advice,
I’ve been with my girlfriend for a few weeks. She’s a really nice person, but she still doesn’t enjoy when we have sex together. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Any suggestions?
Thanks,
Girlfriend Glitch
Dear Glitch,
Don’t worry about it! Most people have trouble with this aspect of a relationship early on. The thing is, the problem is probably not you, it’s her dilemma. However, you need to help your lady out by setting the mood. Find out what she enjoys. Maybe she’s one of those people who likes to watch “Flashdance” before having sex. Or maybe she’s one of those people who needs the help of a visual aid such as sock puppets or a flip book to visualize what will happen during your intimate encounter. Or maybe she’s a narcissist. Fill your bedroom with pictures of herself and that might help to turn her on. Regardless, remember the classic “Annie” saying “you’re never fully dressed without a smile,” and that should help create the mood.
-AA
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