Dear Awkward Advice,
Over the semester, I didn’t have the chance to watch much tv. During break, I had the entirety of Netflix at my disposal. I’ve watched every episode of 30 Rock, How I Met Your Mother, and Doctor Who available. Unfortunately, I’ve also watched some shows that have been cancelled. I got hooked. I kind of got addicted, and I am seriously jonesing for more episodes of Heroes. What should I do?
Truly,
Totally Tubed In
Dear Tubed In,
Go outside. Please. Seriously, just… go outside.
Yours,
AA
Dear Awkward Advice,
Break has done nothing for my waistline. Between Christmas and New Years, I no longer have just a slight muffin top. Now my body is a muffin. Do you have any advice to help me lose those pesky lbs?
Truly,
Biggie Sized
Dear Biggie,
There are some tried and true ways to lose that winter weight. (Atkins, bowel cleanses, solid grapefruit diets, etc.). But, of course, these are not for everybody. Then there is the far less effective way – diet and exercise, but few people believe that hokum will actually work. I suggest procuring a tapeworm. It’s all the fun of eating without the unnecessary process of actually gaining any nutrients from it at all. Trust me; you’ll be swimsuit ready by spring. Well, that, or dead. Just swallow a tiny little tapeworm with roughly 8 oz. of your favorite beverage. Works like a charm! Tapeworms can be found in a black market near you or in the undercooked meat in your favorite third world country.
Yours,
AA
Dear Awkward Advice,
I just finished my first semester in college and boy was it one hell of an experience. I’ve made amazing friends, I have a wonderful boyfriend, I’ve been sick countless times, and I even experienced the college workload. Being a college student isn’t an easy task, classes were rough. I know I am not the only one (being a freshmen) who had a rough semester, but I was wondering, what is the best SERIOUS advice you can give someone when it comes to a new start in the spring???
Sincerely,
JustWondering@Hood
Dear JustWondering@Hood,
New starts in the spring are easy peasy lemon squeezy because it is a new year! For all your fellow classmates know, you can come back a completely new person. Brand new. So new, that your amazing friends and boyfriend might not even know that it’s you. Starting new best begins with a change about a physical attribute. Try a new haircut, a new piercing, a tattoo that says “Mom” on your arm, or plastic surgery. That would def lead to a new start for the spring. Next, adapt a new attitude. If you were really sweet last semester, become a BAMF. Everyone secretly wants to become a BAMF. Basically, the Spring semester is always tougher than the fall. Spring Fever tends to affect the masses. Everyone would rather romp around the quad then open up a text book. Without a new look and attitude, you may be lost out there.
Yours,
AA
Dear Awkward Advice,
Hi! My friend’s birthday is coming up and I have no idea what to get him! Obviously, I am a college student, and money does not grow on trees. What good gift ideas do you have for a person that has a wallet the size of a pea?
Thanks,
NeedtoImpress
Dear NeedtoImpress,
Everyone has this problem come up every now and again. Me personally, I just get everyone the same gifts every year. I think my dad has twenty striped ties in his drawer, and my mom has twenty snow globes on her dresser. My best friend since third grade has 11 bracelets that say “Best Friend” on them. Are these people impressed by this—no. But I present stability, and that is important to. Since this seems like a very important birthday- try to get your friend something lasting- like a lawn mower or a hammer or a sock puppet. Just make sure it comes from the heart!
Yours,
AA
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