By Stacey Axler and Cassie Schaefer
1. So, I’m dating this really cool guy. It’s great, but we can never get any alone time because we both have roommates that never leave the room. Total hermits! What are we going to do? –Horny at Hood
Roommates can be annoying, as we all know, but there are plenty of other places on campus where you two can get intimate, if you’d like. For instance, there are plenty of trees on campus. At night, the trees cast rather large shadows where even those gazillion watt bulbs from the new lamp posts can’t reach. If it’s raining, the elevators in the dorms are always open for business. Last year, a few people got so hot and bothered in Smith’s elevator that it even caught fire! If you are not really the outdoorsy type or are afraid of fire hazards, there are several other nooks and crannies around Hood where he can stick his nook into your cranny. Study rooms in the library, janitor’s closets, the construction site for the new athletic center, couches outside of Student Life, and the steps of Coblentz (off to the left, of course, so people can walk around you for lunch).
2. It keeps raining and I don’t have a raincoat or an umbrella. I keep getting wet. So, what should I do? – Moist in Meyran
There are plenty of options in order to keep your head dry on rainy days. Probably the easiest and cheapest way to solve this problem is to start walking on your hands everywhere you go. This will keep your hair dry as you walk around campus. Also, as an added bonus, it works wonders to volumize your ‘do! And forget P90X! We promise, by the end of the semester, you’ll have more tone to your arms than the Governator himself.
3. I’ll admit it, I’m lazy. I don’t feel like doing homework. All of my classes are during prime napping hours. It’s such a bummer. Do you know of any ways I can get motivated for school? – Slacker in Smith
We used to have a similar problem when trying to house train my dog.Dudleynever wanted to tinkle outside. In order to motivate him get the job done, we gave him a treat every time he did it. So, find whatever treat you’d be interested in receiving, and reward yourself every time you go to class, complete an assignment, or accomplish any number of decidedly un-fun tasks. Those treats could be cookies or shots of your favorite alcoholic beverage* or anything that gets you motivated to finish.
*Warning: Do not reward yourself with shots for successfully waking up for your early morning chemistry lab; drunkenly spilling eight molar acid on yourself is not fun.
4. There are so many changes on campus since last semester! While the renovations are so pretty, I oftentimes find myself wondering where I am, lost in the sea of new promenades and sidewalks. What should I do to navigate the vastly improved campus? –Lost at Hood
The new campus renovations are wonderful! Look at it this way: everyone needs a roadmap to find success. If you are having trouble navigating through the campus, there are several solutions you can choose! First, you can mark your territory, not in an offensive, animalistic way, but by dropping breadcrumbs on the path when you walk along. Then you can follow the marking right back to your residence hall! As an added bonus, you will be subsequently feeding the little woodland creatures: the birds, rabbits, and squirrels that live on campus.
5. Now that I am in college, I want to become more sophisticated! How do I go about doing this? -First-year Fancypants
The goal to acting sophisticated is simple…just don’t act like you are acting now! Try to add a little bit of “fancy” to your day. Fancy things like drinking black coffee, listening to Bach, reading Shakespeare, and buying a horse drawn carriage will definitely make you fancier, thus causing you to act more sophisticated!
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